Not Andersen Prunty

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  • Anticipation

    The last house on the left is the first to explode.

    Ana is in her front yard tending to her flowers when she feels the earth shake. The sound is loud enough to bring her off her knees and search frantically for the source.

    There, at the dead end of the street, a small mushroom cloud rises from a pile of rubble that used to be Mr. Petroskey’s house. She rushes to gather her children and bring them inside.

    The children are frightened and excited and it’s hard to wrangle the three of them.

    “What was that?” Thomas asks. He’s always the inquisitive one. The other two are just screaming to make noise. Ana has trouble remembering their names.

    “I don’t know,” Ana says.

    Toward dusk, she ventures back outside alone to see if any neighbors are out, to see what they can make of what happened. All she finds is Mr. Petroskey’s head at the base of the mailbox.

    She goes back inside to alert the police. They tell her they’ll get to it when they can. The children, their adrenaline long spent from the earlier excitement, are already sleeping soundly. Ana pours a bourbon and sits on the couch and watches all the news she can, but nobody mentions the explosion.

    The next morning, Ana is surprised to see Mr. Petroskey shambling confusedly down the street. She goes outside and approaches him. His head is on backward. She tries not to appear disturbed.

    “Are you okay?” she asks.

    “Have you seen my house?”

    She wonders if she should tell him or not.

    “I think—”

    “Is your husband around?”

    She was going to invite him into the house until this.

    “No,” she says. “He left.”

    “Left?”

    “Yeah.”

    “Where did he go?”

    “I don’t know.”

    “I don’t see how you can help me.”

    Suddenly, Ana realizes she doesn’t like Mr. Petroskey. Never liked him. He was misogynistic and overly patriotic in a weird, self-serving way, mainly so he could wave guns at people from his front porch.

    “Your house blew up. You don’t have a house anymore.” She wants to be more cutting but the guy’s head is on backward and the more she looks at the rough seam in his neck, the more horrifying she finds it.

    He turns to look where his house used to be, the front of his body now facing her. He begins walking toward the smoldering heap of rubble. Ana goes back inside.

    Shortly before noon, there’s another explosion. It’s not as loud inside the house, but the reverberations are even worse. The kids go wild. Ana steps outside to investigate. It’s Ms. Clausen’s house, three doors to the south.

    Ana goes back inside and calls 9-1-1. They tell her they’re aware of the problem. She feeds the kids.

    After eating, they relentlessly beg to go outside. This goes on for so long Ana doesn’t care if it’s dangerous or not. She lets them, telling them to stay away from the houses. Later, when she sees the kids laughing and playing with Ms. Clausen’s innards in the front yard, she makes them come inside and take baths. She doesn’t bother calling anyone.

    The next morning, she wanders down to Ms. Clausen’s, kids in tow. The old woman always kept immaculate flowerbeds and Ana is planning on helping herself to what wasn’t destroyed in the explosion.

    Ana moves close to an intact hydrangea while the kids stand on the sidewalk and pull each other’s hair. Ms. Clausen is down in the massive crater created by the explosion.

    “Oh.” Ana is startled. “Ms. Clausen! I’m glad to see you’re okay.”

    Ms. Clausen is down on her knees. “Little upset about the house,” she says, still focusing on digging in the dirt. She may not have any legs under her draped floral muumuu. “But I have so much more room for my flowers. Don’t know what I’m gonna do when it gets cold.”

    Ana finds herself suddenly disinterested. She can’t offer any help since her husband left and the kids have eaten all her empathy.

    “Well,” Ana says, “I’m sure you’ll think of something.”

    She uses very serious threats to wrangle the kids and take them back home. She wonders about Mr. Petroskey and Ms. Clausen. What it’s like to be shredded in an explosion only to re-emerge in a decimated version of your formal reality. It sounds horrible but maybe also … liberating? She wonders if the kids could survive an explosion.

    Ana is woken the next morning by the house across the street exploding. It’s been empty ever since the previous owners were foreclosed upon. She no longer feels safe in the house. One of the younger kids is in the kitchen playing with some feces. After getting them cleaned up, she gathers some camping gear and tells them they’re all going to go camping in the yard.

    On the second day of camping, Thomas asks why they can’t go into the house. She tells him it’s because it’s going to explode. It’s inevitable. This makes the kids less restless until anticipation takes over. She doesn’t even have to shush them like she does before a movie. They sit in their lawn chairs, the four of them, and spend their days white-knuckled, waiting for the house to blow up.

    September 15, 2023
    absurdist fiction, andersen prunty, comic fiction, free stories

  • Two Children Who Want to Drive Off a Cliff

    An eight-foot-tall man runs upon a narrow dirt path through a dense jungle. The jungle is very dark and smells like death. It’s filled with the squealing sounds of imagibeasts. Soon the man emerges from the jungle into the bright daylight. He continues running. The path ascends the side of a mountain. Halfway up the mountain a car is pulled to the shoulder of the path. The man, being so tall, reaches the car in no time. Two children lean against the driver’s side door of the black muscle car. A girl and a boy. They look about seven. The man, sweaty and mildly exerted, approaches the two children. The boy wears a stained white t-shirt and oversized jeans. He is smoking an unfiltered cigarette and smells like cheap whiskey. The girl is dressed so scantily it makes the tall man nervous to look at her.

    “Need some help?” The man mops sweat from his brow with a giant hand.

    “Fuck yeah.” The boy pulls a flask from his hip pocket and takes a slug.

    “What’s the problem?”

    “Fuckin broke down, old man.”

    The man does not like this boy at all. He wants to smack him around but he’s just a kid. The girl is now giving herself a tattoo with a pocketknife. It’s a big, crooked bloody heart around her bellybutton.

    “Where you kids going?”

    “Top of the hill.” The boy points to the top of the hill.

    “That’s a drop off up there. You’ll go right into the ocean.”

    “Yeah. We know that. Think you can help us?”

    Of course the man can help. Being eight feet tall, he can do just about anything.

    “Open her up,” he tells the boy.

    The boy tosses his cigarette onto the dirt road, opens the door, and pops the hood.

    The tall man grabs some grass and dirt and shoves it randomly throughout the engine. “Oughtta do it,” he says.

    “Get in the car, bitch,” the boy barks at the girl. She obediently runs around to the passenger side and gets in.

    “I really wouldn’t advise driving off that cliff,” the man warns them.

    “We’re fuckin’ goin off that cliff. We’re in love.”

    The boy fires up the engine and shoots up the side of the mountain. The man doesn’t know why the path goes all the way to the cliff. He wonders why there isn’t some kind of warning sign at the end of the road. Maybe it is made for this purpose. He runs after the car. The car flies off the cliff and the man brings himself to a stop before going over himself. The car tumbles end over end until it crashes into the water. The man takes a deep breath and runs back down the path and into the dark jungle.

    September 8, 2023
    absurdist fiction, andersen prunty, comic fiction, hiking and outdoors, light auto repair, relationships

  • Bonus 7

    I kind of just want to run in the background like a really annoying app.

    September 4, 2023

  • Bonus 6

    The deathcock needs spurs.

    September 4, 2023

  • Bully

    I send an inappropriate story to a boxing publication. Instead of a form rejection the editor sends me a lengthy letter that, in so many words, challenges me to a fight. I crumple the letter up and fling it into a neglected corner of the study but the editor shows up anyway, days later. When I first come upon him, he is leaning against my kitchen counter drinking a glass of milk. He is not at all how I pictured him. Small, thin, thick black-framed glasses covering his myopic eyes. Instinctively, I know who he is but wonder if I should introduce myself anyway. Should I even be polite? Maybe I should be confrontational, openly hostile.

    He throws the empty glass onto the floor where it shatters.

    “Pick it up,” I say, pointing to the mess of shards.

    He spreads his arms out to either side and looks as threatening as his near-sighted eyes will allow. “I don’t even know where the broom and dust pan are,” he says.

    “They’re in the closet there.” I point to the closet but he’s already approaching me.

    “That’s woman’s work,” he says, quickly smacking me on the back of the head. “You and I both know why I’m here.”

    “I never accepted your challenge.”

    The man punches me in the stomach. I snatch the glasses from his face. He closes his eyes and blindly grasps for his glasses, hopping up to try and grab them out of my hands. I feel terrible. Like a bully. He collapses to the floor, pounding his hands against the wood.

    “If I give you your glasses back… will you go?”

    “Just don’t break em,” he murmurs.

    “Will you go?”

    “Yes. Anything. Just… please… I can’t see without em.”

    “Okay.”

    I bend down to give him his glasses and he rams his skull into my face. I feel my nose split. Awash with dizziness, I collapse onto the floor. Now he is over top of me, the glasses back on his narrow face, counting to ten. When he reaches ten, he says, “I win.”

    “Win what?” I sputter.

    “I could tell by your signature and address you were going to be easy.”

    “Just get out,” I say, now sitting up and cupping my nose in my hands.

    He pulls himself upright, straightens his collar, and leaves through the front door.

    September 1, 2023
    absurdist fiction, andersen prunty, boxing, comic fiction, writers and writing

  • Bonus 5

    I sit down in front of the TV and think, “Whoa … tropical theme.”

    August 26, 2023

  • Dying is the Most Exciting Thing You Can Do in a Place Like This

    I get tired of trees and move to the desert. There’s a lot of sky and not a lot to do.

    The first night there, it’s very windy. Thankfully, I don’t have to worry about any trees coming down on my small house. I sleep really well.

    The next day I play with some dirt and kick some rocks. By mid-afternoon, it’s too hot to be outside. I go in the house, drink some water, and try to watch TV but the only channel I can find is just an endless slideshow of anuses. I masturbate and then get bored again. I turn on the air conditioner and go to bed.

    I sleep through the night and decide to take a walk in the morning, while it’s still cool. I wander down the road until I find a diner.

    The only other person in the diner is an old man behind the counter. His white hair and beard make me think of a prospector. He asks me what he can get me. I order a hummus sandwich and an iced coffee.

    “Iced coffee,” he says. “I don’t know how to do that.”

    “Just put some ice in a cup of coffee.”

    “Got it,” he says.

    He does that and sets it on the counter in front of me. It’s gritty and not very good. He goes back to the kitchen and comes back with a plate containing two slices of bread.

    “I don’t know what hummus is, but I don’t think I have any here.”

    The bread is also gritty and I can’t eat all of it despite the man’s intense stare. I think he’s probably the reason more people don’t live here. He doesn’t say anything.

    I pay him and get up to leave. He darts to the door ahead of me. A second ago, I would have been unable to imagine him moving this quickly.

    “Wouldn’t go out there right now.”

    “Why?”

    “Too many snakes,” he says.

    I peer around him. There are many snakes in front of the door.

    “We might as well go in back and take a nap.”

    I could use a nap. There’s something about all the sun and the heat. Even inside, it feels completely enervating.

    “Yeah, okay,” I say.

    We go in back and lie on the floor. I close my eyes but know I won’t be able to sleep because I can’t stop thinking about rattlesnakes crawling all over me. I ask if I can lie on the counter. He tells me that would be unsanitary.

    I ask what he’s into. He says mostly running a business and anuses. I tell him about the anus channel but he’s already aware.

    After a few hours, I can’t take it anymore.

    “I’m taking off,” I say.

    “Those snakes’ll still be out there.”

    “I don’t care.”

    I open the door and step out into the blazing afternoon sun. The snakes are too hot and lazy to strike so I’m able to make it to the road and begin wandering home.

    August 25, 2023
    absurdist fiction, andersen prunty, comic fiction, death and dying, travel and tourism

  • Postcard

    Ned comes over acting really strange. Tells my eight-year-old daughter to get on upstairs to fuck her brother’s brains out. After an uncomfortable couple of hours, Ned stands up and says, “I bet you think I can’t push this here couch over.” He’s really mad. Offended. He stands up. I’ve never seen Ned act like this. He bends over and really lays into the couch. I start to think he might be able to actually push it over. I stand up because I don’t want to spill my drink. He manages to tilt it but he can’t get it all the way over and now he’s more furious. He kicks the couch several times and falls into a heap on the floor, crying. My ten-year-old son comes down and points at Ned. He hollers up the stairs to his sister, “Sad man! Sad man!” and she comes running down to join in the bullying. It looks like a lot of fun so I start jumping up and down, shouting “Piss on him! Piss on him!” and the ten-year-old runs over and pulls out his penis and lets go and the eight-year-old comes over and bends down and shoots a frankly impressive stream of urine onto Ned and I feel bad but I’m having so much fun. And so is Ned! Rolling around on the floor and laughing, soaked in weird-smelling kid urine. We’re all having such a wonderful time!

    August 18, 2023
    comic fiction

  • Bonus 4: The Village Where I Live (Part 1)

    If you were part of the Adele sing-a-long at 1 a.m., I applaud you. You made my last beer of the evening more enjoyable.

    August 17, 2023
    Auto suggest, I, Role playing, Woke

  • Boss

    My boss makes me mad so I decide to trash his car on my break.

    Everyone else is outside too.

    I have to throw a rock through the window because it’s locked.

    The alarm goes off but none of the other employees even notice. They’re mostly busy smoking. Some of them are drinking enough to get buzzed until their next break.

    I open the door and pounce on the interior of the car with my knife. I slash the seats. I stab the stereo and the dash. It isn’t long before it’s pretty destroyed.

    After I’m sweaty and exhausted, I decide I’m finished. I collapse into the passenger seat, fatigued.

    My boss catches me. He sits in the driver’s seat, grabs a bottle of whiskey from the console and takes a slug. He lights a cigarette.

    “Guess I should probably fire you,” he says.

    “Yeah.” I don’t apologize because I’m not really sorry. “I brought a granola bar for my break. I probably should have eaten that instead. I don’t know why I do things like this.”

    “It’s probably just because it was here,” my boss says. “I should probably stop bringing it in. Third time this week it’s been trashed. Monday it was Dale. Wednesday, Tim.” He takes another slug from the bottle and drags on his cigarette, not angry, staring off at the side of the building we’re parked in front of. “Now you. What do you say? Should I stop bringing the car?”

    “Makes sense,” I say. “If it’s going to keep getting destroyed. I certainly won’t be able to stop myself … in the future.”

    “I’ll need a ride to work.”

    “Maybe we could all carpool,” I say.

    “Yeah,” he says. “Pick me up tomorrow?”

    “I’ll probably be late.”

    “Try not to be.”

    “I’ll try.”

    “Know what?” he says. “We should just set this thing on fire. That’d be fun, wouldn’t it?”

    “Oh yeah.”

    We get out of the car together. I turn and drill a kick to the inside of the door, hard enough to bend the hinges.

    “Dale!” my boss shouts. “Lighter fluid!”

    Dale reaches into his large truck and comes up with a bottle of lighter fluid. He rushes over to us and hands it to the boss. The boss, cigarette clenched between his teeth, squirts the whole bottle of lighter fluid into the interior of the car. Some of the other employees wander over and cheer him on.

    Our boss takes another healthy slug of his whiskey and shouts, “No one’s gonna destroy this thing again!” before tossing his lighter into the car.

    We all stand around and watch excitedly for a few minutes but then it gets boring and we go back inside.

    I have to take my boss home that evening. He lives in a much nicer part of town than I do.

    I do not pick him up the next morning.

    No one does.

    We feel autonomous until he starts taking the bus. Then he starts borrowing employees’ cars for “joyrides” and we begin to feel a small level of freedom again.

    August 11, 2023
    absurd stories, absurdist fiction, andersen prunty, comic fiction

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